A study out of U of T, says not to worry about kids' lies; they will not turn into pathological liars, it is a developmental milestone. According to the research, one-fifth of two-year-olds lie; half of three-year-olds lie and almost 90 percent of four-year-olds lie. The curve peaks at age 12 and decreases by age 16, where 'only' 70 percent of 16-year -olds lie.
Lies come out of children's mouths for a variety of reasons:
- Fear. When kids are scared of the consequences of their actions, they often lie to cover up. (Are the rules too strict? Are the limits too tight? Does your child feel free to talk with you?)
- To protect somebody else.
- Because the truth is boring.
- To avoid an unpleasant task.
- By mistake. Sometimes lies seem almost involuntary, and a lie just slips out, especially if your child gets caught in a misdeed.
- For love, for approval, and because kids like to impress people quickly and effectively.
Lie Prevention Techniques (And That's the Truth!)
No, you can't keep your children from lying, but you can make lying a less rewarding activity. Many lies come from self-protection, and you can help by not creating a situation where your kid feels pressured to lie or suffer the consequences.
- Keep the conversation focused on what happened or what the problem is, rather than casting blame.
- Don't cross-examine (“After you left school, which route did you take home? And this was at precisely 3:10 p.m.?”), forget the fierce white lights and the sleep deprivation techniques. Remember that the object of talking with your child is to communicate. Grilling will make him close down, not open up, to you.
- Looking for the positive intent? Lies are a misguided survival technique.
- Lies are easy to slip into, and even easier to compound themselves, lie upon lie.
- When your kid has misbehaved, don't trap him into a lie, or set him up in a no-win situation. Confronting him with leading questions is more likely to elicit a lie than talking calmly with him about what happened.
Behave Yourself!
Grilling is for barbecues, not children.
- The truth is hard to tell. It's risky to confess (and risk is always hard). If your child confesses a misdeed to you, you need to 1) thank him for the truth, and give him positive reinforcement for his bravery and his sense of ethics, and then 2) deal with the misdeed by applying appropriate consequences. Doing step 2 but not step 1 is as bad a mistake as doing step 1 without step 2. He needs to have positive feedback for telling the truth and he needs consistent consequences. The positive feedback will make the consequence easier to take, and help build his ethical sense.
- Don't reprimand your child for telling the truth.
- Before you talk with your kid about a lie he's told, make sure that he did lie. A false accusation, or not believing a child when he is telling the truth, can devastate.
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